Stuck between a rock and a hard place

June has begun. But just on the second day of the first summer month a big set-back was thrown on my way. I have been pretty blue for the whole day – and I’m sure the more I dwell on the issue the less easy I feel.

I had an appointment with my eye doctor today. I had the appointment at 8:15 a.m., so the first thing that annoyed me quite a bit was that I had to wait for nearly one and a half hours before I got in. When I had waited for a bit more than an hour I went to ask what in the earth was going on – that it was really unfair to let me wait for that long. The lady was surprised that I had even come in. Another lady who had checked me in hadn’t actually done it which is why they didn’t know I was there.

The cornea transfer was done in October 2012. In November 2013, the stitches were removed after the 12-month-long healing process. In June last year, the doctor said for the first time that there was a little bit of swelling in the cornea. They don’t know for 100% sure what has caused it but most probably the reason is that the eye itself has been operated for so many times in my entire life that it’s not in a very good condition anymore.

A year ago, the cornea specialists speculated that the eye might not be strong enough to carry through the 12-month-long healing process – and slowly, its bad condition might start making the cornea bad too. Even since last summer, every time I’ve had an appointment with the doctor I’ve been told there’s a little bit of swelling. And that makes the doctors worried.

Another speculation is that the cortisone eye drops might cause the swelling. But that things weren’t simple at all, I have not been allowed to give up using them because they prevent the cornea to start rejecting. I’ve read of that in addition to that I’ve been told about that by several cornea specialists. Sometimes I feel I’m so aware of the eye stuff that I could easily get into the Faculty of Medicine.

The doctors have hinted at the idea of a new transfer but it’s not been considered seriously. Today the doctor finally said she would get me into the line of the new cornea transfer because there’s been swelling in the cornea for about a year now.

“No way!” That was the first reaction of mine. I asked her if there really wouldn’t be any other options but to go through the same process again. She said the swelling cannot be reduced in any other way but going for a cornea transfer.

I’m not a doctor but there’s nothing wrong with my common sense and logical way of thinking. She invited another cornea specialist in because I demanded answers. I think I was so much on edge for the whole situation that she didn’t dare to refuse.

I expressed my speculation and asked if I was right: “So, if I go through another cornea transfer what is the possibility that the eye can’t make the 12-month-long healing process again and the same will happen that has now happened?” They said it’s about 80-20 – but in my case even less for me. “So, how senseless would it to operate the eye again if it most probably wouldn’t out at the end of the day?” They had no answer for me – they even didn’t agree to do any ‘iffing’.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I’m stuck very badly. If I go through a new transfer it will fail most probably – even the doctors have expressed it. Plus, every surgery will strain the eye and make it weaker. And it’s already weak now. But if I don’t go for a new transfer there’ll be swelling in the current cornea. And there’s no way to get rid of it.

The only comfort in the situation is that the eye is calm and the cornea hasn’t started rejecting. Even if there’s swelling in the current cornea I can’t feel or notice it in practice anyhow. Just the doctors see it when they examine the eye and do the tests.

Each time in the appointment I’m asked if the eye has been calm, if the sight has been clear, if there has been pain, or if the eye is sore, I’ve said none to all of that because that’s the way it is. But could the swelling injure the eye in the long term? No one knows. How many surgeries could the eye put up with? No one knows.

There’ve been a lot of issues for me to go through in the past 13 months. Sometimes it feels that when I beat one issue there’s another that takes its place. I know that doesn’t sound like me at all – instead, that sounds blue and negative which is least typical to me.

A few entries ago I wrote about the five meaningful songs. I wrote about a song by Chris LeDoux that has helped me to struggle through some heavy issues. I just have to try and find a way how to ‘cowboy up’ this time too. But at least at the moment, I have a feeling it won’t be easy.

The doctors cannot force me to go through another transfer. So, the choice is mine. But as well as the choice is mine, so is the responsibility. The whole thing makes me feel completely lost – and pretty helpless too.