Can the sorrow ever really give up?

It was Friday morning on the 29^th of April 2011. I had a day off from work. It was a sunny morning and I was having coffee on the balcony. It was already warm enough outside that spending time on the balcony was enjoyable. Spring had arrived. I took my phone and gave a call to my brother, but there was no answer. I sent him a text message by wishing him a happy birthday. He was turning 24 years.

Just about half an hour later, my phone rang. I picked it. It was my mother who was totally beside herself. “Mom, what has happened?!,” I exclaimed and started getting really anxious. “Tiina, you don’t have a little brother anymore.”

I will never forget that moment. I will never forget those words. I’ll never forget how it felt. The first thought was that she was kidding me. I was sure I had misunderstood her words somehow. I prayed to God I would have. But the cruel truth was that she was serious. My brother passed away in an accident three years ago in the very same day he would have turned 24.

I’ve been feeling blue all day long because this morning I got to know one of my closer relatives has a chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. In the past 12 months, there have been many issues in the family. Somehow I’ve started wondering how I’ve actually managed to get through it all. But it’s funny how strong a person actually can be. No matter what was thrown on your way, you’d just keep holding up.

I’ve often been wondering if I still have recovered from my brother’s passing. Can such a sorrow ever really give up? “Time heals the wounds,” is how the saying goes in Finnish. But every now and then it feels that a family member’s passing is something too big. Somehow it feels it damages a person for good in a way.

I had the same feeling when my grandpa passed away in May last year. He was 80 years old and he was really sick. He passed on cancer and it was actually a relief that he finally passed. I certainly don’t mean I’d be happy it happened. But it would have been terrible if his fate had been to spend months in the hospital surrounded by all the tubes, machines, doctors, and nurses. He was so sick and weak that he didn’t even manage to get out of bed anymore.

His passing was fast and calm. Fortunately he didn’t have more pain he actually had. But he was the last grandparent I had left. Now there’s none. They just live in my memories just like my brother does. What is a comforting thing is that no one can take the memories away. But I still feel sometimes that one day my brother and grandparents would come back – like they had just been in a long journey. Unfortunately, that’s simply wishful thinking.

I have very good memories of my brother. We shared two interests; cooking and music. He made me inspired to start learning to cook. He was a cook and he was excellent at it. Now cooking is one of my dearest hobbies. We often played together; I played the piano and he played guitar. He would challenge me with older rock ‘n roll that wasn’t the easiest to play. He liked The Doors. He liked jazz and blues. And he got me to like that stuff too as well as to play those genres.

In the previous entry, I was referring to a country song Cowboy Up. Fortunately I’ve found country music. It keeps me going and gives me strength. The lyrics of most of the songs have been very well written and they give me strength. Music has an amazing power in it. It can also have a huge effect on me. Fortunately I’ve found the kind of music that can comfort me. It’d be hard to keep going without it.

The 5 meaningful songs

I was given a very interesting and also quite a fascinating challenge. I should make a list of songs that are and have been meaningful to me in my life somehow. The challenge has a true difficulty in it because there are dozens and even hundreds of songs that are and have been somehow meaningful in all these years. But I’m definitely going to give the challenge a try.

But before I get started I want to say the songs are not in the order of importance in the way that the first song mentioned would be somehow better than the ones listed after it. And the song mentioned last isn’t the least meaningful. It’s just a list and all the songs are meaningful for a particular reason.

Now when all the five songs have been listed and I’ve justified why I listed just them I have to say that it was wonderful to do it! Why did I come to write these words in this part of the entry? Well, if I had written them to the end it might have seemed a part of the description of the last song. I got a lot of memories back – both good and also bad. But I enjoyed writing every word down in the list. It was really nice to build up this entry.

Garth Brooks – The Night I Called The Old Man Out

On the second of April 2005 I found country music. Naturally I knew before the date there was such a music genre but I wasn’t familiar with it. Country music isn’t popular or even well known in Finland. Of course, people may know Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson but that’s about it.

I have a very good and close friend living in the US who once happened to ask if I knew any country music – he did it in another context. I said I knew Johnny Cash and John Denver but that was about it. He isn’t a fan of country music but he was shocked for my answer, so he sent me a link of this song by Garth. It happened while we were voice chatting on Skype – I can still even remember the exact time of the day when it was.

When the song started playing, I first listened to it as a song and focused on the melody, lyrics, and the rhythm. I always do so when listening to music because I play the piano and I’ve gotten an ear of music. Then I realized Garth’s accent sounded different from what I was used to. I pointed it out to my friend who said, “It’s the way they speak in the southern US.”

Because the song was good I started looking for more song by Garth. And the more I looked the more fascinated I got. I started looking for more country singers and in that way I simply fell in love with the genre. And in all these nine years, I’ve also become fascinated by the southern culture and the lifestyle they lead. I have a dream that next April when I have The Tenth Country Music Anniversary I’ll travel to the US – somewhere to the south, needless to say!

Richard Clayderman – Ballade Pour Adeline

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfsgXJQ0ebU
I was 16 when I was once spending a weekend at my father’s place. I went to the attic to look for some old LPs and I found a LP called Ballade Pour Adeline by Richard Clayderman. I liked piano music and – as I must confess – he looked really handsome in the photo, so I went to my father and asked him to tell me about the LP. He said he had bought it in the 80’s and learned to play the song. Then he came to the attic with me and found a notebook – it belonged to the LP.

I was able to read notes, so I went to his piano and started trying to play the song. I wanted to try to play it before actually listening to it. It sounded beautiful and romantic, so I went to the LP player and listened to the song. It was really beautiful and romantic! The more I found his music the more fascinated I got. And at last, it inspired me to start learning to play the piano properly, so I started taking classes. And ever since, I’ve liked piano music even more.

Michael Jackson – Billie Jean

It was an evening in August when I was at the summer cottage with my father, brother, and little sisters. I was 12 years old. We had been listening to some old LPs and then my father came up with Thriller by Michael Jackson. He played us Billie Jean – the song that introduced Michael Jackson’s music to me properly.

He’s one of the best musicians I know. Michael Jackson had a concert in Helsinki in fall 1997. It’s too bad I didn’t go there. I’ve regretted it several times afterwards. And now it’s too late. Fortunately, his music will never die. I’ll always enjoy it a lot.

Lasse Mårtenson – Myrskyluodon Maija

(Maija From The Stormy Small Rocky Island)

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd_3NbOVCGE

As a piano player, I love this song! When it comes to music, it’s been very well composed. The style of rhythm changes in the middle and then it changes back. I’m proud to say that I can play it by the piano. And I often do.

There’s a TV series where the music is played as a theme, titled as Myrskyluodon Maija. In it, a young couple moves to a stormy small rocky island out on the open sea in the archipelago in the Southwest of Finland. They have a family and they live in quite severe conditions. But they are happy. Years pass and they go through several difficulties caused by nature and other things. But nothing puts them down because they are happy together and they have each other.

I feel the plot is close to my life philosophy. It doesn’t have to be fine and luxury to make you happy. It’s all up to your attitude. And it’s definitely not the material that would make you happy.

I’ve once visited an island called Utö which is an island out on the open sea in the archipelago in the Southwest of Finland. It was a day trip and I spent just a few hours on the island. But it was definitely one of the most stunning and powerful experiences I’ve ever had in my life. The atmosphere there surrounded by all the sea and with nothing in the horizon simply had a strong and deep effect on me.

Chris LeDoux – Cowboy Up

In the past 12 months, there’s been quite a bit of rough things happening to me which have nearly beaten me up. When I first heard this song I didn’t know what “to cowboy up” meant. But when I learned what it meant I realized that’s what I should do too with my life and all the issues.

The saying became a metaphor to me. In that song, Chris is singing, “I was a new kid on the circuit gold buckles in my eyes. But the horse I drew was plenty rank much to my surprise. I did a double back flip and landed on my head. This old cowboy limped out in the arena, leaned over me and said you’ve got to cowboy up when you get thrown down. Get right back in the saddle as soon as you hit the ground. You heard that the tough get going when the going gets tough. Around here what we say is boy you better cowboy up!”

With the issues, it was like I’d gotten a rank horse to ride. Finally I was thrown from the saddle when things started tumbling down. I landed on my head and it hurt like hell. It was about to defeat me. But then I found strength when I realized I should respect myself enough to pull myself together. So, I realized I should keep going, no matter how tough it was.

I’ve been thinking that if Chris was still alive – he passed away on cancer in 2005 – I would send out a fan letter to him telling what his music has done to me. I’ve loved country music for nine years. But ever since I found Chris in December last year I’ve loved it even more. I call Garth my ‘Country Music First Love’ but I really think Chris’ music partly came to my rescue. In addition to this song, he has a whole bunch of songs with extremely effective and well-written lyrics.

When you’ve always thought you’re right, but you’ve actually always been wrong

I thought to write a blog entry about English grammar.

Now, I’ll never say such a thing again. I don’t mean I would never write a blog entry again or that I would never write about English grammar again. But I’m never going to say I thought to do (something).

Do you know the feeling when you think you know something – when you’ve believed in years that you do – but then you realize you actually don’t know about it? You bump into reality to realize you’ve always been wrong. If the answer is yes, then you know exactly how I feel right now. It's quite an embarrassing feeling that can put you down a bit. But before you’re going to laugh at me or think I’m totally weird I want to assure this isn’t the question about life and death. This is simply again one of the things I feel like sharing.

I’m blessed to have some very good native English-speaking friends online. It surely is one of the reasons why my English is as good as it is. These people are also ready to help me unselfishly, which is very praiseworthy. And I’m deeply grateful to have them as friends – not only because they are there if I need support with English – but because they are good people and good friends.

I’ve always “thought to” go to bed, “thought to” pay my mother a visit, “thought to” go to the supermarket, “thought to” watch a movie, and “thought to” sleep late on Saturday morning. But not until the weekend, I’ve not realized it’s actually not quite correct to say it in that way.

Instead, I was told it’d be better to say, “I thought about going to bed,” or, “I thought I’d go to bed.” First such a comment made my blood boil. It did because I was sure also the way I was saying it would be correct. You see, when you’ve learned something and used it for long enough you start believing and feeling it’s correct. And then it’s hard at first to accept it’s actually not.

So, I thought I’d share – not I thought to share – this tiny grammar dilemma with you that opened up to me today when I got an opinion from one of the friends of mine. Naturally, when I was first pointed it out I thought to ask of what my other friends thought about it. But a native speaker is a native speaker. And I trust my friends.

Also to point it out, I could have googled or researched the issue. But to be honest, I prefer asking someone who’s professional or who has very sound knowledge about the subject I’m examining. I’ve always thought practical knowledge may even be better than the knowledge you can learn by reading books.

I also have a proof of that. Ever since I started having native English-speaking friends online whom I could ask I realized how much more I got from talking to them instead of studying stuff from books. My main English teacher in 1997-2004 was from Kentucky. And in his classes I learned much more than in the classes which were hosted by Finnish people. So, that should really prove something, shouldn’t it?

Last but not least, I must be a bit sarcastic because I love sarcasm! So, I’ll say that if there are many grammar mistakes and slips in this entry then it only means I have more good reasons to keep studying, researching, examining, and learning English! I don’t aim at being perfect. But I aim at learning and discovering. Those two things are what really fascinate me a lot!

April Fools' Day - fooling or being fooled?

Today is probably one of the days of the year when we all would be more careful than normally when it comes what we would and would not believe. It's April First. In many countries, it’s All Fools' Day today. Today people are “officially” allowed to tell jokes and pull each other's legs in the most positive way. It's a fun day really.

I’ve been fooled and I’ve fooled more or less every year. I could list a bunch of funny jokes I’ve told and I’ve been told to. But there’s definitely one over the others. Why it’s the best is that it simply worked out perfectly. Unfortunately, I wasn’t fooling. I was fooled. And I fell into the trap so thoroughly that I had to give the entire honor to the one who had fooling me – he was my father.

My father, my step sisters, and I were on Canary Islands having a week-long vacation. Every evening when we went to have dinner in a restaurant there were young women and men in the streets nearby the hotel with cameras taking photos of the tourists who allowed it. Then they printed and sold the photos to the people who appeared in them in the following days.

As loving attention, my little sisters were excited to smile and pose to all the possible cameras and photographers. It made them feel like movie stars. They never bought any pictures – naturally my father made sure at the beginning that there was no obligation to buy them – but they loved the attention.

We had a habit to take the towels at the pool of the hotel to make sure we'd get the best seats for sunbathing for the day. As an early riser, usually it was me who did that but one morning my father did it. My sisters and I were still in bed when my father came back to the room all over upset and shouted, "Damn you kids, now there's one of those photographer ladies at the pool asking for $20 of three photos of you two!" He was shouting to my sisters who got all over puzzled because earlier my father had made sure there’d be no obligation to buy any photos.

In addition to being puzzled, my little sisters got rather scared. My father said that we should go and clear up the issue and say we didn't want any pictures and we’d not be obligated to buy them. As being considerate and feeling sorry for my sisters, I promised to go with them. Even if they were able to speak English they were just kids and too young to deal with an adult. I assured the elder of my little sisters though that she should do the speaking because I had not posed for anyone and it was their business – I’d be just the support on the background for them.

When we'd left the hotel room it all suddenly became clear to me. I realized what an absolute idiot I'd been! But I didn't say anything to my sisters. When we got to the pool and there was no one there – it was around seven o’clock – they realized what was going on especially after I pointed out it was All Fools’ Day. It was a hard work to try to hold the chuckle when I saw their faces because they got all over furious. My younger sister had hardly dressed up – she was still in the pajamas.

When we got back to the hotel room my father opened the door with an innocent look on his face and asked, "What's wrong?," but finally he couldn't help the laughter. I laughed with him while my sisters were absolutely furious and swearing vengeance.

When I'm recalling it it's making me laugh. It was a great trick – all over perfect and successful. It did no harm for any of us even if it got my sisters totally upset. When we were having breakfast I said to my father that he should think of a career of an actor because he had played his part very well.

For me, it’s usually rather easy to notice when people are pulling my leg. You can see it of people’s appearance, the look in their eyes, and the way they gesticulate. But there are people who have the ability to be thoroughly and sincerely lifelike and convincing, even if they were saying something that wasn’t true.